imaginist

penakut

2012-01-26T05:32:00.002+08:00

Hello little space on the internet.

I never know what my mood will be like - sometimes it runs high like a fever, and other times low like a dried-up pond. Oh, life of a Gemini. Not that I believe wholly in all that horoscope superstition and classification and what not, but it gives me something to hold on to. To blame, if you must. :p

Speaking of holding on - I think I've held on way too long. It's the New Year now (both lunar and solar ... -not lunar???- ways) and still there are certain feelings that end up like the last coffee dregs in my kopi o peng. Not entirely gone, but not entirely without notice.

I wish I had the strength to wash it all away completely. But you know how sometimes you hold on even though it's not wise - and you KNOW it's not wise - to hold on but you just want to because you want something to remind you that it was real. That it wasn't fiction nor a figment of your imagination. That it existed.

It's been like this for a while, on-and-off. You try your best to release all those emotions in the most positive way possible, but in the end you just end up suppressing and repressing it all. Become someone you are obviously not. This layer of makeup is just a mask to the real you. The real you whom you dare not reveal because you're afraid that nobody's going to like you for who you are. The person you are outside is so drastically different than the one who huddles in the comfort of a patio, looking at the rain while smoking a cigarette and having hot coffee.

I'm insecure - but only because I only want to be loved. One day, I'll leave that mask and armour behind.

2011-12-14T04:22:00.001+08:00

and no, not even screaming is going to help.

parthian shot

2011-11-19T04:53:00.002+08:00

After all this time wondering wtf is your problem, I finally realized it.

You just can't be happy when you can't do something. Perfectionist? Egoistic? I don't know. Some of the things you say really have no basis, except for the fact that you are envious that you can't do what some other people do.

I guess it's easier to slip into 'hate' mode when you see someone who looks better than you do and go : "Omg, so slutty, wear clothes like that." Or when you see someone who's able to put on makeup (whether applied really well or not is subject to argument) that you can't because your monkey doesn't allow it (or because you just plain suck at it), you say that their makeup is ugly.

You ain't a saint, and everyone else aren't either.

So stop fucking hating and learn to love a little. Even if their makeup is ugly. Shut the fuck up and put some on your goddamn face as well, maybe you'd appreciate life a little more.

such a fool

2011-11-17T04:47:00.002+08:00

it was bound to happen, that hopeless crush where you just want to start planning days ahead together and things to do. that silly little infatuation which you think you can prod from nothing to a rolling stone.

the worst part is it not being reciprocated but what can you. force free will? ha ha. you tell yourself to let go, and that if it was meant to be yours it will come back. but you know yourself that it won't, because it wasn't meant to be yours.

and all you do is hope and mope, staring at your phone hoping the next text would be from him, and look at facebook chat and wish that he would be the one starting the conversation, not you. and when nothing of the sort happens, you just lapse back into the same cycle. repeat and rinse.

you call yourself stupid and you know your friends are secretly thinking that. but you can't get your mind off him, just because of six days stuck together (platonically, mind) and you haven't found something to replace that feeling.

and you can't help feeling a little bit jealous when your friend mentions his name, and you start thinking about stupid things that you wish you could swat away like mosquito, but you can't because you can't help that little thought : "I wish it had been me."

hopeless helplessness, succintly summarized.

our day will come

2011-11-06T03:40:00.003+08:00

I can only sum up the KL trip that I went for 6 days 5 nights just recently ... pretty fucking ace. It was a great experience just bonding with my juniors, going around KL and soaking in the lifestyle and especially going to the companies for industry visit. I can safely say that I would want to work in either ZenithMedia, Y&R, BluInc. Media or The Star newspaper. :)

It's fun to be in KL. A whole different lifestyle than the one here in Kuching.

Maybe next year or the year after next? :)

I have the hugest crush on you but I can't do anything. But you know what? I'm just going to go with the flow and see what happens. I like you no matter what.

2011-10-28T20:36:00.002+08:00

Being sucked into a void where there doesn't seem to be much chance of escape, I don't know if I want to stay this way. I just want to escape.

It hurts too much to care now.

darts in the heart

2011-10-17T02:49:00.002+08:00

I think the hardest part of letting go are the memories. Every minute and second spent, it's hard to let go. Nobody is fully capable of letting go without suffering the whiplash. There will always be two outcomes to the situation - either you rise from it, or you lay stagnant.

It's hard because you don't want to let the beautiful castle you built together crumble like a mere sandcastle in the waves. You want to preserve it and savour everything. It's hard because you don't want all that effort to just go to waste.

But in history, all the fallen cities rebuilt themselves. Look at recently - Japan's tsunami and earthquake hit. Did they moan and leave it be? No. They efficiently went back to rebuilding it, and probably made it better. Yes, there is still the aftermath, the parts where there are garish reminders of disaster, but all in all, back up.

Nothing will be perfect - not even the castle you built. It's only 'perfect' in your eyes because you are biased towards it. Someone else from the outside might see the imperfections that you don't see. It's all subjective.

Letting go is never easy - but when you have a certain option, the silver lining in the cloud, seize it. Grab it and work on that. Build a new castle, and make it better. Maybe when you've seen the imperfections that others have seen, you would be able to truly make it perfect (even though I still believe there is no perfection)

I lived way too much in the past, dwelling on it and wishing I could make it better. But what I really needed was to know that at least, the very least, even if I can't have you I'd have something. Something that will remind me how beautiful it was, and how things are. I've seen different facets of you that I couldn't see because of the rose-tinted glasses, but now I do know. I don't like it, but I can't change anything because you're ... you. I'm glad that somehow we're still connected (that means that at least the 0.5% of you looking at me and going "DAMN I LET THAT HOT STUFF GO?!?!" will be achieved ha ha ha!)

But I digressed. Letting go doesn't mean you lose everything - sometimes, it offers a whole new path for more things. I wish you all the best and that you make the right choices. I know everything's going to be okay. You do too.

2011-10-16T00:50:00.000+08:00

"How are you?"

That question, when asked in a genuine manner, speaks a lot. When you say it genuinely, you are expressing your concern about someone, wondering how has their day really been and whether they've been okay or not. You want to know everything that's been going on in their life from the last time you've seen them, be it a day or even an hour ago. You want them to know that you're there as a shoulder, as their rock. You're saying: "I'll be here, dump it all on me."

But most of all, you're letting them know that they have been on your mind. The whole time.

tired.

2011-10-11T04:00:00.002+08:00

I can't wait to get all of this (does hand gesture encompassing the world) over and done with. I just want to have semester 6 over. My to-do list is growing day by day, and I haven't done anything since September 9.

Final event better be worth it, since that's all everyone's thinking about.

escape.

2011-10-06T23:33:00.002+08:00

Sometimes when things just get too much, I want to escape. Escape from everything and everyone I know. Disappear from everything, just drop everything down and melt into the crowd. Somewhere foreign, where I know nobody and nobody knows me.

Just go to the beach and sit there, maybe fall asleep while reading a book and listening to the ocean's call. Stay in bed all day and never wake up. Fall in love in a foreign land.

I wish I could take something that would make me forget everything, gain temporary amnesia so that I'll rediscover the world through new eyes and make new experiences for myself. Something that I can take so that I'll be a different person, just for the time being.

I feel like I'm withdrawing into a shell and I'm not particularly excited about emerging.

You're like a blocked artery, something that still won't leave. Will you forever be etched, burnt and committed to stone? I wish I could just forget about you, that I even knew you. Would it help more to forget, or to remember?

Rambling.

don't you remember?

2011-10-04T03:34:00.002+08:00

don't you remember - adele

Why don't you remember / don't you remember / the reason you left me before / baby please remember me once more / (refrain) baby please remember you used to love me / when will i see you again?

Don't you remember those times when we were happy? Those nights where staying up until 3am was no problem, just because I wanted to talk to you, chat with you and see your face on MSN?

I often wonder, how are you across the wide expanse of ocean and land. I tried so hard to remove you from my memory - deleting your number, deleting your facebook. But in the end, I couldn't stay away. I just had to update myself about you. Call it stalking, call it creeping, but I think you mattered too much for me.

At times, like these despondent ones, I think of you. And I miss you terribly.

It hurts so much knowing that you're out there, doing everything and being the best that you are, and I can't share it with you in any capacity.

I miss you so much. So, so much.

why do i feel so sad?

2011-09-28T00:12:00.000+08:00

2011-09-27T00:04:00.002+08:00

1. PART-TIME JOB !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. Internship report

3. Assignments!!!

Putting this as a reminder to myself, in vain hopes that I will motivate myself to do them.

I'm also thinking about writing a fashion feature or something. That's already half a step towards item 1 on the list, hehe. Just gotta keep up with the trends I guess. I hate how I'm always inspired in the wrong ways :/

amusing self

2011-09-19T02:57:00.002+08:00

love is a losing game (original demo) - amy winehouse

Been trying a hand at song-writing, and I'm just amusing myself really. There is no coherence, no system nor fixed guide as to how the 'songs' are written - hell, I haven't even got a melody for them. But it is a lovely distraction from the mounting pile of assignments and the internship report that I've been putting off as "writer's block".

Funny how you categorize things and label them for your own convenience, it's almost like taking out old excuses for new situations.

I would like to sing one day, have something on Youtube. Not to be a star or anything, I just want to get those emotions out. I already know what song(s) I want to do, heh. That's just a little wistful dream I have, I guess I'll just settle for the lounge bands, haha.

out of goodbyes

2011-09-16T04:55:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I want to laugh at myself for allowing myself to inflict such torture on myself. Self-inflicted torture. I never had anything to do with you, yet my heart yearns so much for you. You who lives oceans apart in your snowy globe. And you who lives down the sunny under.

I have never had anything remotely close to a 'relationship' beyond friendship with these two men, and I am hurting.

I guess I finally can see the humour in this situation.

I don't really find it that amusing, but I'm laughing.

- -

2011-09-03T05:13:00.000+08:00

I need to escape, just for a little while.

neutral

2011-09-01T21:14:00.003+08:00

When you truly love somebody, you would want them to be happy, right? When you truly love someone, even the shortest leave of absence makes your heart tear into halves and quarters. When you truly love someone, you wouldn't care whatever their decision is, as long as they are happy. After all, what matters most is that they are happy.

But when you truly love somebody, sometimes you want them to hurt. Maybe as a lesson, sometimes just because you're selfish. When you truly love somebody, sometimes you want that goodbye to last a little longer, so you can piece the bits back together. When you truly love somebody, sometimes that decision isn't always the best and it hurts you and it hurts them. Sometimes, you just want them to hurt just a little bit more.

Where I stand, I want both of everything. It's not greedy - it's being open and standing on neutral ground. Subjective is subjective, but there's always a grey area. Everything overlaps into one another, and this is one of those situations.

I want you to be happy, but I want you to hurt so you'll appreciate happiness. I don't want you to say goodbye, but at the same time I want you to so that I will be able to say goodbye properly.

Can we say goodbye properly? Please?

hmm

2011-08-27T11:09:00.002+08:00

I think I have finally figured out why I am still single. Okay, maybe not just figured out but come to terms. *shifty* It's because I'm not manly. Like just the other night, someone was saying to me: "You know, you should be more manly. You look so handsome in this photo" and proceeds to drag out a really ugly photo to show me on facebook.

Okay.

To be honest, I have been contemplating that. Making myself more buff, and bulking out a bit more. I know that I will have utmost support from friends if I do so. However, I have never liked to conform to what other people want.

If I want to change something, I'm going to do it for myself, NOT to please somebody else. So if people don't like me because I'm too feminine or girly? I don't care. I am HAPPY with how I am.

But I will change if it means something for me. If I ever get successful in modeling, I know I will need to change my bulk at one point. But that's another story.

Maybe that's why Ryuichi prefers talking to other guys, they more manly and masculine. *sob*

Whatever. :p

2011-08-27T04:52:00.001+08:00

I'm falling in love with Bonnie Raitt's "I can't make you love me" song. How I feel.

yeah, how come?

2011-08-19T04:45:00.002+08:00

feist - how come you don't go there

i was so happy a few days ago but then the euphoria just died. i don't know what's going on in my head, tipsy or sober.

i don't know.

fall

2011-08-07T04:11:00.002+08:00

sunday morning (cover) - bryan chia

there's always a time and place to fall, and today was one of them.

i fell off a skateboard. it was actually really funny.

but i realised that lately, i've been finding the humour in things more often, up to the point that this whole week i was "trolling". unusual for me. but when are you going to laugh at things then? like my friend sarah said, are you going to laugh about it years later? why not now? i'm happier now.

even when i found out that someone i had a crush on has a girlfriend (authenticity required) i was like: "oh well", then moved on. maybe because i never had a fixed notion as to whether he was straight, bi or gay, but it didn't bother me so much.

even about R. i couldn't be that bothered about him now. sure, i do miss him and the company we shared briefly. but what can i do to change things? i'm just sad that it took me this long to realise that i was kamikaze-ing to my own depression.

i'm happy now and i enjoy laughing at things. the old carefree free-spirit is back. with the ~~occasional~~ whining and ranting, but back nonetheless. and i'm glad. :)

a while

2011-08-03T17:54:00.002+08:00

It's been a while since I visited this little space. It's still the space that I can run to whenever I'm feeling forlorn or despondent. My lonely place.

Life's been pretty much on the up lately. I haven't worried about finding a 'someone' in a while - maybe because the group of people I'm always with takes my mind off all these little nuances. I don't need much in my life anymore. Sure, I do wish I had someone that I could be with and all that, but right now - I'm fine with my little happy family.

Sometimes I reflect on the things that bothered me earlier this year, and in hindsight you really do see much more. Getting 'ditched' or whatever it was, ended up being one of the best things for me. Losing you, was an eye-opener for me.

Sometimes, you got to remember that the moment is just the moment. What happens after that is entirely up to you to change and mold, and grow.

fire and rain

2011-07-28T18:36:00.000+08:00

Call me irresponsible, but right now I can't be bothered. The free spirit's back, people, and this time it really doesn't care.

definition

2011-07-06T04:27:00.002+08:00

I want to love someone from the movies and the stories, someone who knows just what I like and takes his time. I want someone who's stable - someone that I know I can fall back on. Someone who'll always be there when I go home after work or school and be there.

You don't need to feed me - I can feed myself. You don't need to pay for me - I can pay for myself.

I just want you to be there. Because if for one minute I lose my anchor, I don't know what to do if I go off-course.

That's all I want.

point

2011-07-01T05:25:00.002+08:00

george - butterfly

What do you do when someone you have a crush on has the hots for your best friend instead? What do you do when you miss someone so much that no matter what, you just want to be with him? What do you do when everything and everyone is screaming for you to go left, but you go right?

Do you crumble and fall apart?

Sometimes I feel like doing that. Times like tonight. Maybe I'm just overwhelmed. I'm not sure. Too many times of pretending everything's okay and bottling it up - it's all coming to the surface now.

Sometimes I wonder why things like that happen and who's fault is it. Maybe it's mine, maybe it was his. And sometimes I wonder why can't I be more daring to approach somebody and start something for myself. Even if it's nothing more than friendship, at least it's something.

Well, I've learned that even if you don't move fast enough, it's okay. Take your baby steps, that's fine. Nobody expects you to run when you've just learnt and started, right?

But at least you've taken a step, and that's major.

jiwa kacau

2011-06-30T01:49:00.001+08:00

I feel very jiwa kacau. It's like, there are a lot of things in me that are fighting each other and I don't know how to react. I want to go underwater and stay there.

I need to think whether this life I'm living is worth it, or should I change everything.

Everything's changed and I hate it. I hate it.

long distance

2011-06-26T05:11:00.002+08:00

Is there any way that I could hurt you

so that you'll feel how fast the blood rushes through

Is there any way that I could tell you

how much it will hurt whenever you've taken a fall

Is there any way that I could tell you

and wake you up, just wake you up?

Trying to rescue a love flat line

get a doctor.

beautiful

2011-06-20T04:15:00.001+08:00

i need to be in love - the carpenters (extended)

This song, is such a beautiful song. It's an Oldies song, by the Carpenters. This was Karen Carpenter's favourite song. I don't blame her. It's beautiful.

RIP Karen Carpenter.

bugger off

2011-06-16T18:59:00.003+08:00

You know the times when you want to burn somebody? Yeah.

I want to do that right now.

Or maybe I should just throw a cockroach and/or spider while imprisoning her in a small cuboid box... That would be fun.

Only joking.

revisiting

2011-05-30T05:41:00.002+08:00

officially missing you - tamia

Revisiting our past chat history was silly of me. It was good to read all those happy memories, but it tore my apart reading when everything went downhill. And then to see all my unreplied messages this year.

I read a part where you would come to Malaysia "next summer", which would be this summer 2011. I don't think you're coming. Sad fact, heh.

I wish I could talk to you. Just that would make me happy. But would I be happy for the right reasons? Or would I be chasing down the wrong dream again?

don't sail away

2011-05-29T05:34:00.002+08:00

don't sail away - 張惠妹

Although it saddens me to see you moved on - it's okay. When am I going to stop thinking about you and a future that we never shared? It's okay. I need to keep telling myself that. You deserve every ounce of happiness that you can get.

God, I need to stop staying up until so late. I won't stop thinking if I don't.

;(

2011-05-27T17:15:00.003+08:00

When are you going to realize that I will always be here for you, to hear you out when you have problems and need someone to talk to? When will you get it that even if you don't want anything more than friendship, I will still be here for you?

When are you going to stop pushing me away just because of what happened last time?

If you don't stop thinking the way you think, you'll never learn. No matter if you get out from wherever you are, and go to Switzerland, Vietnam, Korea, Africa... If you keep pushing people away, there is no difference.

I should've stopped trying ages ago, but I never stopped giving up on you. Why? Because you're so good-looking and one of the best things that's ever happened to me? Maybe. Or maybe it's because there is so much potential in you to be the best you can be, and it hurts to see you go down in flames.

Talk to me. I miss you that much.

poem

2011-05-25T04:25:00.002+08:00

battle - colbie caillat (this version's a little longer than the album one, but it's a beautiful song)

chasing aeroplanes

paper planes flying from one window

to the other --

sometimes they reach, and sometimes

they will fall --

send me another one, love, and

pray it won't get lost.

drop one from way up high, and watch

as i go after it --

run, run, as fast as you can

before it disappears --

i'm chasing aeroplanes, chasing aeroplanes.

watch as they take off into the sky

swallowed by the sun -

slowly getting smaller, the further they go

is this what it means -

by absence makes the heart grow fonder?

i'm already missing those aeroplanes.

wander aimless, waiting for the next one to land

will it be here, or end up there?

find me the biggest one yet,

and let me catch it

let me hold it for a little while longer

i don't know when it'll disappear

when it does, i'll try not to cry

i'll just wait

to chase, and catch another one.

but out of all the planes i've chased

you were my favourite one.

birthday

2011-05-23T03:05:00.002+08:00

My birthday this year was awesome. :)

Thank you to everyone who wished me a happy birthday, I really appreciate it. *hug* I would hug each and every one of you if I could. I tried my best to reply everyone, I think I did manage to reply and thank everyone who wished me a happy birthday. Thank you all. :')

And a really big thank you to both Sarah and Jesse, who came all the way to my house with a cake. I know that Jesse has exams this coming (two) weeks, so it really meant a lot for him to take time out and come. And a big thank you to Sarah for coming up with this idea. :')

And thanks, sorta, for those who were at Senso tonight. They got me drunk alright. Thank you FACES band, and I'm sorry if any customers there had their ears destroyed by my rendition of "If I Ain't Got You".

I feel really blessed, so I really appreciate everything. :')

Thank you everyone.

I love you.

vocalist

2011-05-22T03:05:00.002+08:00

every time i turn around - joss stone

I like the idea of being a vocalist. I like to sing, but I think my voice is terrible. Some people say it's not, but I just don't like how I sound when I sing. I'm sure everyone knows how that's like. If I were given the chance to take vocal lessons, I definitely would! Only thing stopping me is myself to be honest. I'm really shy! But one day I'll overcome that. :)

Vocal (music?) inspiration would definitely be the ones who have that husky, soulful voice. I look to Frank Sinatra, Ella Fitzgerald and Aretha Franklin. Alicia Keys, Joss Stone, Florence Welch (Florence + The Machine) as well. There are quite a few, I just can't remember them now, lol. I love singing soulful songs, like the blues or jazz. Would be a dream to go for lessons. ;)

glee

2011-05-19T04:14:00.002+08:00

pure imagination - glee (season 2, funeral)

Watching the latest episode of Glee, it made my cry so hard. I am not even joking. I've only had one person I know personally pass away, and that was Aaron Teo. I wasn't very close to him, but in away, who wasn't? Everyone knew him, in some way or another.

While watching, I thought of people. What would it be like to not be able to tell anyone of them whatever that is on your mind? To never be able to let them know how much you love them anymore.

I am comfortable with the idea of death. Just when it happens, it takes a while to be alright.

scream

2011-05-16T23:28:00.003+08:00

things we've said - daniel andrande (danielasings)

i wish i could just shake you and tell you everything

but you're not here

i wish i could lie down with you and tell you everything

but i don't know if you want to listen

i wish i could stay up all night with you

but i don't know if you'd want to

i wish i could just run into your arms and feel protected

but that's not possible

i wish i could change things all the way back when it all went wrong

but there's no point

i wish i could talk to you again, properly; like old friends, like almost lovers, like almost friends, like best friends

but can we ever?

i wish that i don't ever need to feel alone ever again

but we all need to be alone to see what we have been missing or taking for granted

i wish that we would be alright

but would that be asking for too much?

i wish i could fly away from this town

but is that running away

i wish i could stop and stay underwater

but that would mean i'm trying to kill myself

i wish that we didn't have to worry so much

but that's just too much to ask for

i wish that we were in love

but.

grey days

2011-05-16T22:16:00.002+08:00

cambridge - kina grannis

Grey days are here.

The great grey days of depression are back again. Where everything feels like the colour is being sucked out and you just can feel that it's cold and lonely.

Last time it was Ryuichi (le sigh)

Now it's about friends

I dont want to sit through and wait for the colours to come back

It never lasts anyway

paint

2011-05-16T00:28:00.002+08:00

I want to do an art course one day. Learn how to paint properly and stuff. I don't really wanna dabble in photography if I have to do assignments and have deadlines for it on a constant, almost weekly basis. But if it's just photography just for creativity's sake and for fun, why not. Digressed a bit but yeah.

I want to do an Illustration course. Would be the perfect dream course. :)

Back to painting someone else's assignment. Haha!

the impossible wishlist

2011-05-11T02:11:00.003+08:00

california king bed - rihanna

Everyone has a wishlist, and some are plausible, reachable ones and some are impossible ones. Well, 'impossible' in a sense of the word. Well, I'm going to share my 'impossible' wish list. Pipe dreams, if you want. :p

1. Write a novel on my own or with fellow enthusiastic writer, Ragie. We've been writing Balenciaga for a while, but that's stalled. Plus there's a brand called Balenciaga :( I know, major crime for a fashion enthusiast like me to not know this before calling the work-in-progress that, but still. We'll figure out something else at one point.

2. Come up with a graphic novel. Could be of said novel above, or an entirely new concept. It would be really cool.

3. Come up with an illustration book. Like one of those artist ones that have artsy fartsy illustrations and self-centered ramblings about nonsensical ideas and fairytale endings that involve cats inside balloons.

4. Become a supermodel. Haha, this one is a definite pipedream.

There was more on this wishlist, but along the way I got distracted by Gossip Girl and Youtube. Oh! Just remembered:

5. Become a superstar in Korea ! HAHA. I can't even speak Korean.

4 in the morning

2011-05-07T04:22:00.002+08:00

I can't but help to wonder "what if" about certain things. What if I put myself out there instead of constantly just coasting through? What if I said all the things I leave unsaid? What if I had done this differently? What would happen?

Would I like the alternative that I had chosen? Would it make me happier, or a better person? Nobody can say for sure; after all, don't things happen for a reason?

Maybe it would've, but then I'll be thinking of another "what if". SoI guess that regardless of whatever path you've taken, you've always got to be happy with your choices, or at least not dwell on them.

look up

2011-05-03T02:58:00.003+08:00

fallin' - alicia keys

Today was pretty much a really awesome day. A day out with people who matter (you know who you are) to the beach, playing in the water, getting tanned and just chillin' on a sun lounger looking at the horizon. Definitely needed this.

I'm glad that it's really nothing, but I know I can't say for sure. But right now, this is perfect.

I'm working towards being as gorgeous as these lovely women:

blake lively - gorgeously tanned and with a beautiful smile!

park kahi (after school) - so gorgeous! Asian pride, yo!

gisele bundchen - her legs are my ultimate goal.

loyalty?

2011-05-02T02:09:00.003+08:00

my baby - julia stone

Sometimes you've really got to wonder what you have to do in order to maintain this, or maintain that. Friendship, love, work, general life activities - they are like a garden which needs constant pruning and weeding. Sure, sometimes you get awesome days when things are all golden in the sunset and it's beautiful.

But sometimes it reaches a point where no matter how much you weed, something always ends up destroying that perfect garden you've worked hard at trying to maintain.

And sometimes it reaches a point where you can't be bothered, and you give up. For a few days, for a week, for a month. Sometimes you just don't care about it anymore because it seems that no matter how much hard work you put into it, it would never be what you want it to be.

And it's horrible when something that you worked hard for doesn't bear any tangible results.

Any relationship is a two-way thing - a two lane road. You give, and you take. Sometimes, one party would put in extra effort, the other not so much. But then at one point, it's the other way round. Things switch up, back and forth. There is honesty, and there are also lies. But there a certain boundaries and levels to which the two apply, and each person should have some sort of knowledge regarding the boundaries and levels.

But at this point, it's stale. Either it ends, or it carries through. Whichever it is, I'll be happy with your decision. Just don't drag the situation until it becomes damaged to the point where nothing can be fixed or repaired. I'll be happy for you, and I hope you'll do the same for me. Amicable, I mean.

Maybe I'm just getting a bit too carried away, but the truth is usually easier to see when you're that far away.

first train home

2011-04-29T02:46:00.002+08:00

If you could love anyone in the world, would you pick a poet, musician* or an athlete? -random question-

*musician includes singer as well

I'd probably pick a musician - I think it's interesting how they convey emotion and words in song. Sometimes I watch Youtube videos on certain Youtube artists who cover songs, and wonder if they have a person in mind when they are singing. And I can't help but think that whoever is in their minds is a very lucky person.

Okay I think it's time I sleep. Do listen to the video. :)

molly o'connell

2011-04-29T01:28:00.002+08:00

Header is of ANTM 16's Molly, who is by far my favourite contestant in that cycle. Besides Monique, who was sent home, but damn. Sometimes I think that ANTM sends off girls before shoots they would do well - I actually think that Monique would've done so well in this shoot. I dont know.

Original header picture here.

I think I like Molly not just because of how good she looks (kind of reminds me of Lara Stone in certain angles) but because she also kind of reminds me of me. Lol. We both have the same "anger issues" and impatience, except I think she whines way too much.

of loss

2011-04-25T01:34:00.003+08:00

I kind of miss being in love. The whole staying up until 4am just to Skype or talk. Waking up to text messages that don't necessarily need to mean anything, but you feel happy anyway because it's from that person. I miss that little tingle of excitement when you're going to meet him/her.

Doesn't matter if it's long-distance or not, I miss that feeling.

I threw a couple of things out the window, and I'm not sure if I want them back. Maybe that's always been my problem - the chase is better than the reward. I think I just don't know what to do in this sort of a situation. It's so different to be in a situation like this than watching it from the side.

But bottom-line is, I miss that feeling.

shots shots shots!

2011-04-24T04:11:00.000+08:00

I swear I never want to hear the word 'shots' for a long time. There's a raving bitch (or a Charger in L4D) banging about in my head and all I want to do is tell it to stfu !

I sang at Senso. I think I was way off pitch but friends told me otherwise.

I shall look back at this tomorrow and bury my head in shame, and laugh my ass off.

Good night world.

what?

2011-04-21T00:53:00.001+08:00

I've been bothered by certain incidents lately, and it's gotten to a point where I just want to do it just to end it. It's annoying. No matter what I say, it won't dissuade him. And the worst part is I'm too nice to ever be a real bitch. I'm so spineless seriously.

I think I'll talk to him and tell him face to face. Probably would be better.

I just hope that it's the right thing to do - for both him and I. I don't want to regret anything.

playgrounds

2011-04-17T02:38:00.003+08:00

Don't you just wish that you could go back to when you were kids and the playground was your castle? Swing high up on the swings, clutching the sides so hard because you're so afraid that you would fly and never reach the ground again. Balance on see-saws, not knowing that balance would so heavily affect your life next time?

I do. :(

I miss the simplicity of not having to make any other choice besides which side of the seesaw you wanted.

twat

2011-04-14T02:18:00.002+08:00

I like that word. Twat.

Had a really interesting night out. Just to talk with one of my closest friends, Sarah, who I think I can practically call my soulmate (we talk soul to soul hahaha wtf) and another friend. A lot of interesting topics, I must say.

If you know you have a problem, that's already step 1. What happens after that is entirely up to you. These sort of things, you have a choice and a say in them. It's all pretty much subjective, as well. How you feel influences how you would react towards it. So it's pretty dumb for you to say those kinds of things. You can change it - you just don't want to, not that you can't change it.

It's been a pretty good run, this while.

duly

2011-04-11T01:10:00.002+08:00

I hate it whenever your day starts to go bad at the end of it. Like, in the evening when everything before was fine and then suddenly a crapload of crap starts to hit you. I hate that. I'd rather have everything be bad from the start of the day, instead of having rain on your parade. :(

I can't stand awkwardness. I know frazzle when I see it, I'm pretty observant like that. So don't blame me if I'm quiet or as unresponsive, I just rather not make anything worse than it is, or worse at all.

I'm rather jealous of certain people living my dream. :( Makes me sad that I can't have that same dream, and it's terrible of me to wish them failure, but a part of me just does, you know? But I'm going to be the bigger person and not let that affect me. I can do it. I can.

It's just not a good day.

imaginary friends

2011-04-08T01:49:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I come up with situations that I'm not in, like what if I was in the shoes of that model who got confronted by the other models and what would I say or do. And I create my reactions and the things I would say.

But the thing is, I would never do or say those things.

Because I'm not confrontational, and when you're in the situation, you don't have the luxury of thinking so far ahead. You can't come up with five different reactions and sentences you would use to combat one matter when you're in the moment.

No particular reason for this blog post, I just thought I'd share this.

The point is, I imagine things a lot.

marry me

2011-04-04T01:50:00.001+08:00

This is my ideal sort of a boyfriend. I want to wake up next to this man.

frisson

2011-04-04T00:20:00.001+08:00

“somewhere only we know” – keane

“maybe i’m just tired” – as tall as lions

Listening to those songs makes me want to cry. :’(

I miss late night conversations. I would stay up just to talk to you. It sucks that we can’t do this anymore. But oh well, I guess there’s a reason for everything. Maybe we just fell out of something that wasn’t quite friendship, wasn’t quite love.

I don’t like not really having a direction in life. I mean, I hate it if it’s all detailed down to a T, but a general purpose in life, that’s fine. I miss having a reason to draw or write, sometimes to live.

love is so difficult

2011-04-03T00:55:00.001+08:00

2NE1's cover of Lee Seung Chul's song. Can I just say perfect?

used to it

2011-03-31T17:36:00.001+08:00

Am too used to this new blogger layout, and cannot be bothered to go and try using Blogskins stuff again. Maybe next time, but not now. Have forgotten everything about html/css editing and also how time-consuming it is.

iris

2011-03-30T02:44:00.001+08:00

“iris” – goo goo dolls

so when everything feels like the movies

yeah you bleed just to know you’re alive

and i don’t want the world to see me

cause i don’t think that they’d understand

when everything’s meant to be broken

i just want you to know who i am.

This song encompasses every human emotion in me when it comes to you.

Helen Fisher’s Personality Types

2011-03-25T03:22:00.001+08:00

I AM NEGOTIATOR/EXPLORER

You see the big picture. You easily take the broad, long view of almost any topic. You are comfortable juggling myriad facts. You tend to synthesize material easily and think in webs of factors, not straight lines. You are imaginative and enjoy ideas.

You are also socially savvy. You are good at both talking and listening. And you generally read people's faces, body postures and tone of voice accurately, so you often intuitively understand what people want and need.

You are also highly compassionate. You care deeply about others. So you are inclined to make personal sacrifices to be a supportive friend and colleague. And you are idealistic and altruistic; you like to work to improve the world.

And you have an adventurous side; you enjoy new ideas and novel experiences and you want to share these with an enthusiastic partner. But you are particularly fond of people who are direct, decisive, focused and tough-minded, people who complement your more flexible, agreeable and affable style.

NEGOTIATOR (primary type):

Good at seeing the big picture
Empathetic
Imaginative
Trusting
Intuitive
Introspective
Skilled verbally

EXPLORER (secondary type):

Novelty seeking
Flexible
Impulsive and spontaneous
Open-Minded
Curious
Energetic
Creative

Relating to others:

As a Negotiator, you seek a spiritual, life long connection to a "true love". But you don’t want someone who is emotionally dependent. You admire people who need a good deal of autonomy. Marriage is important to you; but the social pledge of matrimony is far less sacred than the personal commitment you privately make to your beloved. You strive for harmony in your primary relationship. So you express your love regularly - with hugs, thoughtful presents, romantic weekends or by creating other special times together.

And you want a mate who is daring, playful and adventurous, yet one who will balance you - someone who is calm, decisive, strong-willed, focused and supportive of your enthusiastic, caring and imaginative spirit.

In Love/Relationships:

You dislike conflict. You seek "win-win" solutions. You are good at sharing power and ideas. And you are a master at the art of intimacy - building deep and exciting relationships with others. Nevertheless, you often enjoy solitude orintense interactions with just one individual or a few close friends. And you particularly enjoy people who like to play with abstract theories and ideas, provide insights, search for symbolic meanings in life and relationships and have a broad interest in the world.

Things To Be Aware Of:

Because you can see so many angles to an issue or decision, you can be indecisive.
Your need to please can make you placating and your trusting nature can make you gullible.
When you feel betrayed you can be unforgiving and hold a grudge too long.

the one that got away

2011-03-24T01:11:00.001+08:00

listening: “the one that got away” – katy perry.

It’s been a while now, and I can safely say that I’m pretty much okay without you in my life already. I don’t think about you so often and when I do think about you, I’m not filled with this …depressed feeling anymore. I do get sentimental, but it’s a whole lot better than the slump I had been before.

In another life / I would make you stay / So I don’t have to say you were the one that got away / The one that got away.

How many of us can really say that we’re happy for the other? No matter how much you fervently wish or say that you are, the truth is there’s always that feeling in you that you just wish that they’d die or just be as unhappy as yourself. Everyone is selfish to a certain extent. But the fact is, no amount of ill-wishing is going to bring him/her back.

You can never really fully heal. Time helps, but you still hurt in the end. But I think what matters most is how you feel in the interim and what you make out of it. Very clichéd, but it’s true. Isn’t it funny how the corniest things are actually the truest?

lofty

2011-03-23T02:14:00.001+08:00

This time around, I’ve never been so …serious towards my things. I have a new zest towards my school work and assignments and it’s slightly scary. I’ve never felt this way about school things before. But it’s good! I’m determined to not fail myself like the previous semester.

I’ve also been ‘rejuvenated’, shall we say, towards my music. I’m picking up jazz piano and I just feel so semangat to do it. Lets hope this lasts, I dont want to end up failing it like how I failed my Gr. 6 classical.

I’ve also been trying to get back into shape and going to try and pursue modelling again. That, or I just have crazy cravings to be in front of the camera lens again. :p Rindu ey! Reading about Andrej Pejic and David Chiang makes me feel even more spirited. They are doing what I could achieve. SEMANGAT !!!

RP-ing also I very semangat.

2011 so far definitely smooth sailing for now. Personally. Can’t say much regarding the rest of the world. :(

arise.

2011-03-20T01:18:00.001+08:00

listening to: arise – flyleaf.

It’s been ages since I heard anything from you. I really do suppose that it really does mean that I don’t matter to you. Did you do this to all your ‘friends’ ? Talk to them, then just completely cut them out from your life forever?

I go around acting like I’m so tough, but the truth is I’m shattered inside.

It’s not that I’m not trying – I tried too hard.

It sucks that it’s a repeat of history all over again. I hope you’re happy being one of those ‘trophies’ I collected for ‘Heartbroken’.

seriously

2011-03-18T15:44:00.001+08:00

You never seem to take anything seriously. Or at least that’s what you give me the impression of. Maybe if you took the time to look at things seriously, you’d figure out your problems.

fears

2011-03-18T01:48:00.001+08:00

fear of sharks

fear of crocodiles

fear of reptiles and amphibians

fear of the rejection

fear of the unknown

PR in Malaysia – views

2011-03-15T02:53:00.001+08:00

Public relations is a powerful tool that is useful in any organization. The role of public relations is to bridge the organization with the public (target audience) and to help build a rapport between the two. Public Relations also acts as a way for the organization to improve their image, as well as promote and project a positive image. Contrary to what some think, public relations CANNOT “protect an unethical organization or cure a sick establishment”.

In Malaysia, our economy is ever-growing and changing, and the need for proper relationships is needed in every sector, be it the public or private sector organizations. Malaysian organizations are now appreciating the expanding importance of public relations, and are utilizing it to their advantages. Companies such as Proton and Petronas as well as non-profit organizations (NGOs) are realizing the importance of the PR approach.

I feel that in Malaysia, we are doing pretty okay in our approach towards using PR. As mentioned above, the big private companies are realizing (and using) the PR approach in their organizations. While we do have some more room to improve, I feel that the standard so far is commendable. We are a developing country, and nothing starts on the peak. Like everything else, we need to work our way up from the bottom. As the old Malay adage goes, “sikit-sikit lama-lama menjadi bukit.”

Reference: http://www.docstoc.com/docs/10992504/Issue-On-Public-Relations-in-Malaysia

arms wide open

2011-03-10T02:10:00.001+08:00

If we were to ever cross each other’s paths, I wonder what would we do?

Would we stop when we realize who we are, and would we talk? Would we stop, allowing silence to fill the pregnant pause? Would we just break down for no reason? Would we welcome each other with open arms?

Or would we pretend we know nothing, and walk past each other, as invisible as the next face in the crowd?

Blah.

2011-03-03T03:41:00.001+08:00

Fuck up.

reading through.

2011-02-24T03:16:00.001+08:00

I went through all the blog’s comments and deleted spam, and re-read all those old comments. Even early on, you warned me. I don’t think you knew (but you probably do now) that I was talking about you. In almost every blog post.

You were a chapter I tried to close, but instead, you ended up to be the chapter I kept going back to.

You were a song I tried to shut out of my head, but I kept singing.

And you are now but a distant thought, memory.

I could be cruel, but in the end I can’t. Because to be cruel, it shows that you don’t have a heart. I still have my heart. Broken, bruised and shattered, but a heart.

I wanted so much of you, of this, of everything.

There are many ways to characterize a fool, but the worst one is not one who does not know anything, or the one who walks into a glass door. The worst fool is the one who knew everything, avoided walking into a glass door, and ended up knowing nothing, and walked into a glass door.

love thoughts.

2011-02-23T03:35:00.001+08:00

“back to december” – taylor swift

“someone like you” – adele

“gravity” – sara bareilles

“spoiled” – joss stone

“try” – zach berkman

“lesson learned” – alicia keys

I think you’ve made your point.

grain.

2011-02-19T23:53:00.001+08:00

And it’s almost as though I’m dead to you. But even the dead have more conversation than you and I.

sink or swim.

2011-02-12T00:59:00.001+08:00

sink or swim, baby

i don’t know what we’re doing,

sink or swim,

baby, we’re just falling deeper

into this tunnel with no light at the end

sink or swim, baby

we’re going down together.

drunkexting

2011-02-11T04:04:00.001+08:00

I don’t drunk dial. I drunk text. Hence – drunkexting.

I miss you. I just do. I’ve fucked everything up, but I miss you.

I’m a creeper, there I’ve said it.

Would you even read this? Ah well, I wouldn’t know. You’re living the life of convenience and popularity. You don’t know what it’s like to crawl through the depths of despair because you’re lonely. You’re never lonely. You could pick people off the sidewalk and they’d want to be yours.

Mistakes? I’m sure I’m one of them.

But live, and live free. Don’t let me chain you down – cut me from your conscience and being. I am no longer.

the dreamer.

2011-02-08T01:14:00.001+08:00

I’m working on this little “side project”, shall we say, with my close friend Jessica Yu, and now we’re still in ‘discussion mode’, so no concrete details yet. But we’re planning on a children’s book of sorts, inspired partly by whimsical dreamy things and things that inspire us.

I haven’t been this excited in a while, so a lot of nonsense is flowing through my head now TEEHEE.

It’s good to have something to work on again (besides nonexistant love relationships) and I need the practice anyway. We’re not very sure where we’re headed, but so far… I’m pretty excited about it.

Am thinking of publishing in Singapore (YES BIG DREAMS, I KNOW) or maybe we might start in Malaysia. I don’t know. So many things are running through my head in this span of 50 minutes that I don’t have enough time to write it all down. :D

Working on concept sketches and jotting ideas down now.

Can you tell how excited I am? :)

------

unrelated: If you’ve lost faith in yourself, then how do you expect others to have faith in you?

-----

unrelated: I wonder if you noticed anything different in your friends list on Facebook. Maybe you did. Why aren’t you making a move? I don’t know what I’m doing – but it’s a test. For both of us. Maybe you’re happy I ended the friendship instead of you. That way you wouldn’t need to look like the bad guy.

People can be so predictable, sometimes.

talk.

2011-01-31T00:44:00.001+08:00

“Everyone has their own battles.” – Nicole Teo

I guess it’s just a matter of how you choose to fight, and how you want to win.

privy.

2011-01-30T01:19:00.001+08:00

And it makes me want to cry at how hopeless I feel.

what am i?

2011-01-24T02:26:00.001+08:00

I’ll never be that popular basketball/football player, or that hot athlete.

I’ll never be that cool, geeky kid that earns billions.

I’ll never be that preppy and friendly kid next door.

I’ll never be the emo-looking person who people still want fuck anyway.

I’ll never be the quirky supermodel.

I’ll never be the one you count on, call on, think of in the middle of the night. I’ll never be the one whose hand you want to hold on while strolling down the Promenade. I’ll never be the one who’ll you think of in the morning when you wake up, or before you go to sleep.

I’ll never be anyone.

重来

2011-01-23T02:08:00.001+08:00

Was listening to radio just the other day, and this song by Huang Xiao Hu came on. Of course, I’m a sentimental bastard at heart, so of course I gave this a listen. When I heard the title, and everything, I was like: I LIKE.

Basically, the title means ‘again’ (in the most suffice translation I could manage, otherwise it’ll mean like ‘coming again in a repetitive manner’) LOL.

I can’t stop loving you.

Maybe I’m creating a false reality where you matter, just so I have some sort of purpose in life.

bad day.

2011-01-21T00:36:00.001+08:00

Today was horrible. No mood for anything at work. :/ I think I’m losing my mojo. And this is bad – really bad. :( I don’t enjoy anything now. It’s almost like I’m going through the motions just to satisfy the motions – not doing anything I particularly enjoy.

Then what’s the point right?

Money. Money. Money.

Hate this sort of life.

没有意思！

and...

2011-01-19T12:19:00.001+08:00

And it's that time again where it's a low point.

I can't help but miss you?

I want to delete myself. Delete everything. Disappear into nothing.

jumble.

2011-01-18T04:03:00.002+08:00

Mission is to grow out my hair and sexify it. Be like Blake Lively. :D And try out awesome things like (sea) salt spray and beach waves. Yummy.

Listening to chill music like Coldplay and Shiina Ringo after a bottle of beer and lekor (some sort of fish crackers/keropok) is amazingggggggggggggggggggggg.

Night owl = CONFIRM.

By the way, I'm so out of shape, I did what 5 mins of the jumping jacks plank, pushups and lunges and I felt breathless. Went to jog TWO bloody rounds in the park and almost died. This needs to change. ASAP.

beyond midnight.

2011-01-12T21:26:00.002+08:00

Sometimes, I don't think we're always as strong as we try to portray. This strong fortress that we build is not always as strong as we believe it to be - there are cracks in the foundation, and the edges are crumbling.

I can pretend - but I can't pretend forever.

You know the saying: "If you can't get someone out of your head, then maybe they're meant to be there" ? How true is that? If you're really meant to be in my head, then why am I trying so hard to get you out?

I want to try something new, but again, fear holds me back. I don't want another case of "I told you, and things became awkward after that" again. :/

Britney's new single is amazing. :D

re: ?

2011-01-11T02:22:00.001+08:00

Where'd you go?

civil.

2011-01-10T01:44:00.002+08:00

I'll be honest -- when I saw my ex-crush for the first time in a long time, I thought that I'd be over it. I'm not saying that I'm not over it - 8 years ago is 8 years ago. But you can't just turn your feelings on or off like a switch (although God knows that would be amazing!) and things will re-surface. I'm human, don't judge. :D (or just judge, humans do that too -.-)

But I think that now that I'm going to be turning 20, I should start acting differently. 2 decades of a life-time! I've been out of high school for two years, and I'll be finishing college at the end of this year (*prays*) By next year, if things go smoothly, I'll be going out to the working world, where the real dogs are.

So let bygones be bygones -- I'm going to try and stop ignoring him and his girlfriend. I mean, gotta admit that that is kinda childish. c: And the least I could do is be civil. I don't have to be all buddy-buddy, I just need to be civil. Treat them like any average person. Like my friend Christine has said before: 知道就好，可是不用留在心里. Be aware of its presence, but don't bother too much about it and keep it in your heart.

So far on the positivity streak? Looking good! :) I think I'm going to like 2011 more. :D

p.s Regarding 'R'? I still don't know, but I can't turn my feelings on and off for now. I think out of sight and out of mind is the best take here. Ah well. Can't win 'em all. :)

panda.

2011-01-09T05:14:00.001+08:00

Going out two nights in a row, sleeping at 5am.

That's life.

grats, grets.

2011-01-07T02:57:00.002+08:00

I regret ever startiing to talk to you more than I should've. I should've done what I'd normally do in a situation like that: Say no, and come up with some lame excuse like I needed to go to bed. I should've known that it was going to be a fatal moment, involving me and my stupid heart.

I regret giving in to the stupid notion that someone as popular as you, as good-looking as you, would ever consider me. I think I ~~was~~ am one of those people in your life that just go through without any real purpose.

Congratulations on making me feel like the biggest loser. Pining away, trying to make you talk to me. Staying up all night in hopes of talking to you on Facebook or Skype, or MSN. And all because of one stupid sentence -- I love you. I don't know if you knew how much that hurt, when you just laughed it off, and made it seem like I was just saying it because you just happened to be there.

Sorry doesn't mean anything anymore. Not when we don't mean anything to each other.

cleaning out yo' closet?

2011-01-06T23:08:00.002+08:00

cleaning out your room, or just finding another excuse?

i'm human, and am inclined to think the worst. and i think that you're not being honest. go sue me and my overactive mind.

munch munch

2011-01-06T01:27:00.002+08:00

I have issues with envy and control. I know he's not my guy, but I cannot bear you 'loving' him. And hearing how you like how he sweats is actually very gross.

And you. If you don't wanna talk to me, just let me know. A simple: "Hey, you know what, I don't feel comfortable talking to you. Or maybe I don't like talking to you. For __________________ *insert bullshit reason*"

I'm sick of being treated like a tampon.

Next time, I'll be letting you know how I think.

lonely.

2011-01-04T23:48:00.002+08:00

I'm always lonely, it seems. :/ Darren just stopped calling me out, and I don't know why. But oh well.

I think I should get friendly with stray cats and dogs.

guardian.

2011-01-02T16:38:00.002+08:00

Watched Legend of the Guardian (the title is so friggin' long, I keep forgetting what it's called) and love it. Makes me love owls even more! Teehee. :)

Have been getting back into my RP mood, and I love it. :D I have the inspiration bunnies now for a character on my opposing side (FGB), but in order to realize that inspiration, I need to get my current character to Level 2. :/ Bugger.

For some reason, I'm not so happy with Taylor Momsen as a character image. I might change to Kate Winslet... Or not...

new year.

2011-01-02T00:05:00.001+08:00

I don't want my new year to be marred with depression.

I think I'll make a resolution (not solely for new year's) to stay positive. I'm going to need to keep finding a happy place.

2010.

2010-12-31T01:26:00.002+08:00

1:27am, and it's 31/12/10.

That's it people, a whole year has gone past. Thinking back, it's been ...crazy. In a nutshell, life went like this:

I started slacking at school. BAD BAD IDEA
Went k-box, and loved it!
Travelled to Singapore all by myself
Found out that a few people aren't so bad :)
Went to KL with the family.
Loved and lost.
Got a graphics tablet (oh yeah baby)
Started working!
Daddy got a little car for me to drive around with (sorta)
Got back into RPing. (not the sexual kind, loves)
GOT FRIGGIN' TIPSSSYYYYY.
Wore more make-up. :D

And yeah, kinda countless others that for some reason I CANNOT REMEMBER. :')

Funny how this year went by so fast. I secretly think it was the fact that I was so busy, I had no time to count the hours like how I used to. But it's been a fast year - and that scares me because will I never have time to stop and savour the moment? Will it just keep on moving faster and faster until one day, when I look back, I just go "WOW? THIS HAPPENED?"

Mr. R -- I don't know when I'll find someone who can compare to you, even if we never had anything. But I have hope for that new person.

Everyone else - THANK YOU FOR THIS YEAR. Without you all, this year would've been worthless.

This ends 2010's chapter, and tomorrow marks a whole new book.

can't be tamed.

2010-12-28T02:58:00.000+08:00

In my life, I've never been able to make a proper choice. For example, I want to do design, but I can't choose what kind of design. Fashion, graphic, interior... I want to do them all. Same goes for music - I cannot classify which sort of genre am I in. I'm not a classical pianist, neither a jazz nor pop pianist.

I'm probably the most undefinable person in the world.

Went out for supper (more like a gathering) and saw the ex-crush. Erm. Okay. I think I've made a point (as immature as it may seem) but ... I really couldn't care less.

change.

2010-12-27T00:59:00.002+08:00

This world is seriously full of surprises. Have been going out with Darren for the past few days. He's introduced me to his world, and I quite like it. I never thought I'd be going out with him? I always thought that it would be weird or just not right, or whatever. But I think the biggest lesson I've learnt is that to always be out there.

You don't always have to straightaway trust people, nor do you have to instantly be "best friends" with them. But you should always give them a chance. I remember I was telling Christine about it, and she was telling me: "You should at least give it a go."

I'm happy that I listened. I've not regretted anything so far.

I'm generally happy now. Yay, yay, yay. :)

cuci mata.

2010-12-22T03:14:00.002+08:00

I miss KL and all the boys. XD I got to cuci mata so many times. I stared, so rude of me. Haha.

Genting was pretty nice. Loved the cold weather there while walking, did not want while sleeping and waking up and showering. Fuck me, even with hot water, it was so cold after opening shower doors that I felt like just crawling back in and turn on the hot water again. XD

Some bitch at the GICC sale thing was so ugh. Cause I was standing near the cashier with my arms folded and looking like a bitch (cause I got annoyed) and then she said very loudly to her friends: "Like got supervisor watching me work!" When I heard that, I felt like walking over and slapping her. Of course watch how you work lor, if not, look at your ugly vagina face? *spit*

Then it was down to Sunway. I LOVE SUNWAY PYRAMID (even though I got lost so many times, fuck) and I love Sunway Lagoon. Omfg. Hot Taiwanese/China boy with the hot body and Taeyang hair. And the hot guy in the toilet. XD Haha, sorry, couldn't resist staring. XD And and and and and! There was a hot guy that was walking to the Surf Beach. His body was WOW. Can someone say GYM BUFF? :D

Then it was down to City. I hate Sungei Wang, so bloody confusing man! Pavilion is awesome.

That was KL. :D

fleeting.

2010-12-08T00:57:00.002+08:00

How much longer are we going to ignore that there's stuff between us that should be cleared straightaway? Just because you're not willing to talk about it, doesn't mean that there isn't anything to talk about. Because things will surface, regardless of how long they've been kept under. I've held on for so long, and I'm not about to let go so easily, but it seems like it's your intention to do so.

I would let go, after a while. But I'd want you to talk about things first.

I'm not a fan of hearing my own voice - therefore, when we have a conversation, I expect you to update me about things. That's why it's called a conversation, not a monologue.

On other things, there's this one guy who's been trying to pikat me. And he's not someone I would go for, honestly. But I'm willing to be friends first. But seriously... where is the chivalry and everything, man? I highly doubt that just because you're not British that you completely lose all sense of 'dating'. Like ... I don't expect a Porsche and waiting at my doorstep with flowers because honestly, as sweet as it is, that's nauseating and creepy. Because how the fuck did you get here? I NEVER TOLD YOU MY ADDRESS, DUN DUN DUN.

I'm not looking for sex. Sex will/might/is a part of an equation, but we've got a long way to solving it.

All I expect is at least the decency to start slow, instead of jumping straight into sex. No, I'm not a prostitute or a whore. Maybe when I've lost all meaning to the 'first time' then I will act like one, but as of now, no. All I expect is that you at least take me out to know me, bother to work around me and find a way that things might work out for the both of us, take me to a movie, dinner, whatever. Something that we could build on, instead of just jumping off a plane without a parachute.

I've pretty much given up on finding guys. I think that the whole "wait and it'll come" principle applies here. That, or I'm blind.

But lesson to guys who want to take a girl/guy out on a date: Don't start your courtship with "Hey, can we have sex?" unless they're a nymphomaniac. Sluts/whores/prostitutes do not count because you don't ask, you buy and they're pretty much available, so courting is out of the question. Start slow, and you'll get sex one way or another, in a more meaningful way. :) Decency, people. ;)

bad wolf

2010-12-01T23:02:00.001+08:00

Something an online friend of mine posted on her Livejournal:

this is how i feel, all written out.

what i never said

2010-11-28T00:25:00.002+08:00

i never did ask you all them dirty questions in my mind

i never did ask you if you'd like to stay

i never did demand that you go out with me

because i know by doing so, i'll be scaring you away

and it'll take time before you see that it's not my intention

it may take years or months, but one day you will

and come to realise how much you were wanting me all along :)

sick

2010-11-26T22:15:00.002+08:00

i'm feeling unwell again :(

started with a sore throat, and now i'm feeling a little feverish

although i felt better after taking a long nap in the afternoon

on other things, i feel really good

school's over, for one thing

so is my love life (haha)

but for some reason, even when nothing's happening, i feel a lot better

so much more than i have felt in the past few weeks/months

is this what they call closure?

i'd like to think of it as my happy medium

my middle ground

where i can see everything as if from an out-of-body experience

and distinguish clearly between loving someone

and obsessing

4Tomorrow

2010-11-25T00:11:00.000+08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sPnr0sdlEf0

lining.

2010-11-17T22:33:00.001+08:00

be my teenage dream? :')

final week for school.

finishing up illustrator tonight.

study a bit tonight.

video editing tomorrow (fuck)

final presentations on friday.

hopefully, red hair by friday too.

2010-11-14T23:58:00.000+08:00

apparently, i do not deserve being said hi to by popular hot boys