I never know what my mood will be like - sometimes it runs high like a fever, and other times low like a dried-up pond. Oh, life of a Gemini. Not that I believe wholly in all that horoscope superstition and classification and what not, but it gives me something to hold on to. To blame, if you must. :p
Speaking of holding on - I think I've held on way too long. It's the New Year now (both lunar and solar ... -not lunar???- ways) and still there are certain feelings that end up like the last coffee dregs in my kopi o peng. Not entirely gone, but not entirely without notice.
I wish I had the strength to wash it all away completely. But you know how sometimes you hold on even though it's not wise - and you KNOW it's not wise - to hold on but you just want to because you want something to remind you that it was real. That it wasn't fiction nor a figment of your imagination. That it existed.
It's been like this for a while, on-and-off. You try your best to release all those emotions in the most positive way possible, but in the end you just end up suppressing and repressing it all. Become someone you are obviously not. This layer of makeup is just a mask to the real you. The real you whom you dare not reveal because you're afraid that nobody's going to like you for who you are. The person you are outside is so drastically different than the one who huddles in the comfort of a patio, looking at the rain while smoking a cigarette and having hot coffee.
I'm insecure - but only because I only want to be loved. One day, I'll leave that mask and armour behind.