penakut

Hello little space on the internet.

I never know what my mood will be like - sometimes it runs high like a fever, and other times low like a dried-up pond. Oh, life of a Gemini. Not that I believe wholly in all that horoscope superstition and classification and what not, but it gives me something to hold on to. To blame, if you must. :p

Speaking of holding on - I think I've held on way too long. It's the New Year now (both lunar and solar ... -not lunar???- ways) and still there are certain feelings that end up like the last coffee dregs in my kopi o peng. Not entirely gone, but not entirely without notice.

I wish I had the strength to wash it all away completely. But you know how sometimes you hold on even though it's not wise - and you KNOW it's not wise - to hold on but you just want to because you want something to remind you that it was real. That it wasn't fiction nor a figment of your imagination. That it existed.

It's been like this for a while, on-and-off. You try your best to release all those emotions in the most positive way possible, but in the end you just end up suppressing and repressing it all. Become someone you are obviously not. This layer of makeup is just a mask to the real you. The real you whom you dare not reveal because you're afraid that nobody's going to like you for who you are. The person you are outside is so drastically different than the one who huddles in the comfort of a patio, looking at the rain while smoking a cigarette and having hot coffee.

I'm insecure - but only because I only want to be loved. One day, I'll leave that mask and armour behind.

and no, not even screaming is going to help.

parthian shot

After all this time wondering wtf is your problem, I finally realized it.

You just can't be happy when you can't do something. Perfectionist? Egoistic? I don't know. Some of the things you say really have no basis, except for the fact that you are envious that you can't do what some other people do.

I guess it's easier to slip into 'hate' mode when you see someone who looks better than you do and go : "Omg, so slutty, wear clothes like that." Or when you see someone who's able to put on makeup (whether applied really well or not is subject to argument) that you can't because your monkey doesn't allow it (or because you just plain suck at it), you say that their makeup is ugly.

You ain't a saint, and everyone else aren't either.

So stop fucking hating and learn to love a little. Even if their makeup is ugly. Shut the fuck up and put some on your goddamn face as well, maybe you'd appreciate life a little more.

such a fool

it was bound to happen, that hopeless crush where you just want to start planning days ahead together and things to do. that silly little infatuation which you think you can prod from nothing to a rolling stone.

the worst part is it not being reciprocated but what can you. force free will? ha ha. you tell yourself to let go, and that if it was meant to be yours it will come back. but you know yourself that it won't, because it wasn't meant to be yours.

and all you do is hope and mope, staring at your phone hoping the next text would be from him, and look at facebook chat and wish that he would be the one starting the conversation, not you. and when nothing of the sort happens, you just lapse back into the same cycle. repeat and rinse.

you call yourself stupid and you know your friends are secretly thinking that. but you can't get your mind off him, just because of six days stuck together (platonically, mind) and you haven't found something to replace that feeling.

and you can't help feeling a little bit jealous when your friend mentions his name, and you start thinking about stupid things that you wish you could swat away like mosquito, but you can't because you can't help that little thought : "I wish it had been me."

hopeless helplessness, succintly summarized.

our day will come

I can only sum up the KL trip that I went for 6 days 5 nights just recently ... pretty fucking ace. It was a great experience just bonding with my juniors, going around KL and soaking in the lifestyle and especially going to the companies for industry visit. I can safely say that I would want to work in either ZenithMedia, Y&R, BluInc. Media or The Star newspaper. :)

It's fun to be in KL. A whole different lifestyle than the one here in Kuching.

Maybe next year or the year after next? :)

-

I have the hugest crush on you but I can't do anything. But you know what? I'm just going to go with the flow and see what happens. I like you no matter what.

Being sucked into a void where there doesn't seem to be much chance of escape, I don't know if I want to stay this way. I just want to escape.

It hurts too much to care now.

darts in the heart

I think the hardest part of letting go are the memories. Every minute and second spent, it's hard to let go. Nobody is fully capable of letting go without suffering the whiplash. There will always be two outcomes to the situation - either you rise from it, or you lay stagnant.

It's hard because you don't want to let the beautiful castle you built together crumble like a mere sandcastle in the waves. You want to preserve it and savour everything. It's hard because you don't want all that effort to just go to waste.

But in history, all the fallen cities rebuilt themselves. Look at recently - Japan's tsunami and earthquake hit. Did they moan and leave it be? No. They efficiently went back to rebuilding it, and probably made it better. Yes, there is still the aftermath, the parts where there are garish reminders of disaster, but all in all, back up.

Nothing will be perfect - not even the castle you built. It's only 'perfect' in your eyes because you are biased towards it. Someone else from the outside might see the imperfections that you don't see. It's all subjective.

Letting go is never easy - but when you have a certain option, the silver lining in the cloud, seize it. Grab it and work on that. Build a new castle, and make it better. Maybe when you've seen the imperfections that others have seen, you would be able to truly make it perfect (even though I still believe there is no perfection)

I lived way too much in the past, dwelling on it and wishing I could make it better. But what I really needed was to know that at least, the very least, even if I can't have you I'd have something. Something that will remind me how beautiful it was, and how things are. I've seen different facets of you that I couldn't see because of the rose-tinted glasses, but now I do know. I don't like it, but I can't change anything because you're ... you. I'm glad that somehow we're still connected (that means that at least the 0.5% of you looking at me and going "DAMN I LET THAT HOT STUFF GO?!?!" will be achieved ha ha ha!)

But I digressed. Letting go doesn't mean you lose everything - sometimes, it offers a whole new path for more things. I wish you all the best and that you make the right choices. I know everything's going to be okay. You do too.